you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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