Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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