My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
