you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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