I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
