I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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