Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
