I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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