Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize