she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
