Your tits are I can't wait for
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Houston, we have a blender
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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