This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
