this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
