I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
