I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
