2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
