i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
