Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
