Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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