ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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