fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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