Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
