If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Found your dick twin last night
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Liz is crying about burritos again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
