If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
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