Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
