Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
