so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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