she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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