Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
