you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
