how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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