Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
