I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
