im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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