i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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