I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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