my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize