Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
