i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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