I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
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