I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
