Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
