i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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