i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize