The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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