My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
