just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
