Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize