I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
