The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
