Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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