mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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