Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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