There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
