It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
