Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
