If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
