If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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