you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
