the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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