It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
